Torturing Your Students: A Guide for Beginners

So I just started my student teaching. It's not as hard as people said that it was going to be. In fact I can think of at least one thing that is harder off the top of my head: childbirth. Seriously. Student teaching is well on its way to kicking my nicely rounded derriere. But I will survive. I will survive....and now I will bust a move to a Blondie song.

Really though, I am enjoying my student teaching. Except for the student part. And the teaching. Just kidding! I love teaching, although my students seem to think that my entire goal in life is to torture them. I can't even begin to figure out how they guessed the truth. Who told? Whoever you are, I will hunt you down and make sure that you can't ever talk again. How will I do this? I will feed you at least 9 and 3/4 pieces of saltwater taffy which will undoubtedly seal your mouth closed for the rest of eternity. But I digress.

I informed my students that I would be lecturing for an hour and that they would have to take notes. There was a great deal of wailing and gnashing of teeth. And I'm pretty sure I heard someone begin to sob. I may have also seen some students foaming at the mouth. Then it dawned on me. The way to world domination was clear: break young high school students' wills with note taking and lectures, turn them into certified zombies who are bent to my will and then take over the world! Of course, being the concerned edcumacator that I am, I thought I would inform my colleagues and any other interested soul on methods of breaking your students' wills. The following are the five guidelines that you absolutely must follow in order to torture your students into submission and force them to become zombies under your benevolent rule. Say that ten times fast.

Number 1: Practice your Xena Warrior Princess yell. Nothing scares students more than knowing that you are a trained warrior. True fact.

Number 2: When in doubt, quote Mr. Miyagi. Wax on. Wax off. Simple as that.

Number 3: Abolish the use of the word "like" from your classroom. You will see your female students go through visible withdrawals.

Number 4: Never, never, NEVER, let them know your secret mission. Or the name of your home planet.

Number 5: This is the most important one. No student must ever know this. So, I will use my Internet whisper voice. Ready? *Keep cookies hidden somewhere in your room. Not where students can see them, only where they can smell them. Then, eat them between classes.*

And there you have it. Five simple guidelines to breaking your students' wills which will enable you to take over the world. And now, I'm off to go incorporate these things into my lesson plans - and, of course, make lecture notes for the purpose of melting my students' brains out of their ears.