Do What We Say or Die Alone

Every time I scroll through the news I see an article that says: “Ten Tips for Single Women” or “Dating Tips for Women.” And my reaction is the same every single time: Bite me. Seriously? Who are these people who have time to sit around and write these articles? And then the answer comes to me: It’s a bunch of single men who are eating potato chips after playing four hours of online “pretend games for adults who don’t have real lives and need something to feel fulfilled.” These are the same men who are living in their parents’ basements and come home from working at a fast food joint every day expecting milk and cookies. I’ve had it. I’m going to find these men and shove them into the lockers that I am sure they spent a great share of time in during high school. So now they have been warned. If you are the male author of one of these pieces, I will find you. You’d better run. I’d suggest that you run right off the face of the earth.

I cannot think of a more chauvinistic pursuit than telling women how they should be to please you. This kind of pursuit is, of course, based on the outrageous assumption that there are women in this world who want to date men like you. Men who write these articles seem to think that they understand women. Let me just give you a glimpse into women’s minds: You don’t understand us. And, as long as you continue to write these articles, you will never meet a woman who will teach you how to understand us. And, if you are married, and writing these articles about how women can be appealing to men, let me ask one question: Does your wife know what you do for a living? *Pause* I didn’t think so.

And if you’re a woman who wrote one of these articles – I will cover your body in paper cuts, tie you to a tree, pour lemon juice over you and then loose killer bees in your direction. Not that I’m angry. Not that I think you should be hurt. No, nothing like that. Women who write these articles are inevitably one of two types: The gorgeous ones who are super thin, have never seen a pimple, and never wore anything that cost less than a small condominium. How can these women ever presume to give advice on how to catch a man?! God gave them everything that they need, they don’t need any tricks, any strategies, any flirtation information. All they have to do is enter a room with their well-endowed chest, and perfume a la mankiller and say, “Hi.” They might as well yell, “PARTY’S HERE BOYS! TOO BAD GIRLS! THEY’RE MINE, ALL MINE!!!”

The other type of woman is the kind of woman who is forty years old, bitter, unhappy, and hoping to kill off the competition with bad information. I can just see them, sitting there in their homes, wearing bunny pajamas (with angry bunnies), drinking angry water, and pounding on the keyboard with an evil smirk on her face and writing something like this: “Don’t wear make up. Or take a shower. Ever.” Yup. That’s it.

As you can tell, I have a problem with those dating advice articles. You may wonder why I have such a problem with these articles, let me ‘splain. These articles seem to say to every single woman in the world: There’s something wrong with you. We know what it is. Do what we say or die alone.

It’s just absurd. I refuse. So take that. I’m not going to give you an advice about dating. Because I don’t know anything that the rest of you don’t know. All I can say is that I have one tip for all of those people who write the articles: Stop writing stupid articles. Write about something that is important, like the epidemic of men living at home in their parents’ basement.