It's that time of year when scholarship awards are being announced. After months of staying up late, perfecting your essays, crying because you knew that you should have volunteered to feed the homeless squirrels with the group in high school, or joined the Star Wars club, or maybe created your own language - this is the time when you know if all that heartache, all that berating yourself over not being involved more, all of that time spent at your computer was worth it. Probably not but don't tell the guys in the Star Wars club that I said that. They've already threatened to make me give up my lightsaber.
You check your inbox. There it is. The fateful letter. Now you will know if you have the opportunity to remain in college, if you will be able to future your career as dictator of the world, or if all those dreams will be shattered in one fell swoop of an unforgiving scholarship board. You click the link, the e-mail pops up and you see these words, "While we regret to inform you that you did not receive the scholarship, you are still a winner in our mind! Congratulations on a great effort!"
For real?! I hate that phrase. It's used all the time, "You're all winners." It's a lie. Psh. In reality, there is only one winner and they know who they are. Saying "You're all winners in our hearts" is like saying, "That is the ugliest woman I have ever seen...bless her heart." Actually it's not even close. For some reason "bless your heart" makes any insult okay. Saying "You're all winners" doesn't make anything better. It makes it worse because in your mind you're thinking, "Yeah I'm a winner. A winner of nothing! I am a winner of second place. First place loser. Grumble. Snarl. Deathrays in general direction of kid who won all the money."
Can you tell that I hate the phrase "You're all winners"? I think it should be replaced. I suggest, "One winner to rule them all, one winner to bind them" - wait. That's been used before. How about, "The winner who lived" - oh. That's taken too. I know! We could just tell the truth. "You're all winners, except, of course, those who aren't, and in that case, you're a loser."
Okay, so maybe that's a little harsh. I should be encouraging. Uplifting. Happy. Right. You whip those scholarship committee peoples' little tushies. Tell them that you will win that scholarship! You participated in high school! You drew caricatures of your teachers during your free time! You started a club that was centered on the study of medieval beverages (if this is true please tell me what meade is)! You sewed your own Captain Kirk costume and created a Star Trek badge out of recycled rubber erasers! You are the ultimate winner!!!!!!! And even if you aren't, it was a good effort anyway and, in my heart, you're all winners.
