I admire people who are still friends with their ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, really I do. This has never been possible for me. I have always hoped that a carnivorous squirrel will chew off the faces of my ex-boyfriends…okay, so maybe not. This passive aggression could also stem from the facts that my breakups are always ridiculously dramatic. If I had my way, I would never see my ex’s. Ever. Seriously. Unfortunately, I live in a small town, with a small population. Ergo, I run into my ex’s frequently (Not literally run into them like with a car…although this idea does sound appealing).
Whenever I see my ex’s my fists clench into little balls, my eyes narrow, my teeth start to grow sharp and hair starts to sprout from all over my body. I begin to howl at the moon – oh, wait. That’s a werewolf. Never mind.
My ex’s do make me tense though. They are a combination of the worst things on earth: Rob Pattinson, mud that sucks off your shoes, speedos, and broccoli. All of these things are utterly disgusting alone, however, when you combine them you get something utterly horrific. You get one of my ex-boyfriends.
Many people have told me that I should kill my ex-boyfriends with kindness. This got me wondering, how does one kill with kindness? As I sat, puzzling and puzzling until my puzzler was sore, I thought of something I hadn’t before: Kindness is good. Kindness is strong. Kindness is solid. Kindness is something you can depend on. Kindness is a Louisville Slugger with the word “Kindness” carved into the wood. It’s true. I now have a bat named Kindness. She is lovely. She has yet to be used.
Let’s face reality though, I’m WAY too afraid of prison to use Kindness on one of my ex’s. So, I’ll do what I’ve always done when I see one of my ex’s and I get tense. I will do the mature thing. I will do the thing that shows that I am a bigger person. I will do the thing that shows I am an adult. I will blog about it, consume some chocolate, and then proceed to deface any picture of him that I can find. I’m a grown up. We do these things.
